A Reflection on Girlfriendships
There are few things in life that are as complicated as friendships with other women. Most women I know pride themselves on the male friendships they have and maintained over the years because of how easy or simple they are. Female relationships demand your attention, challenge your limits of love, and can push you to explore the very edges of loyalty, forgiveness, and compassion. What makes these connections so important? According to Self Determination Theory, humans have a fundamental need to connect to other humans so much so that our survival and wellbeing depend on it. While so many of us are starved of connection, it is largely because we are afraid of being vulnerable. Female friendships can offer incredible reprieve from feeling disconnected or lonely because the level of intimacy often exceeds even that which we share with a romantic partner. It is no wonder that friend break-ups are sometimes the most traumatic.
The thing about these friendships is that, unlike our romantic relationships, there aren’t tons of books or podcasts or even a blueprint for how to best navigate the situations you may find yourself in. it is almost as if we are expected to be born with the knowledge of how best to find, form and nurture these connections. What’s worst is that these relationships are often displayed as one of competition rather than cooperation or sisterhood. It is time to change that. Much of what we learn is by watching how others do it and let’s face it, there aren’t always exemplary role models to observe. Our challenge then, is to reclaim the narrative of female friendships and design the blueprint for how to maximize these beautiful and life-changing connections because when we operate in unison and harmony we can create a deep bond.
I have loved and I have lost many a female friend and while I can’t entirely say that I have mastered the delicate art of these important relationships, I can tell you that there are several things I have learned along the way. These lessons, as most are, were gained in hindsight where I was able to reflect on my own behavior and the behavior of others. I have come to realize that friendship requires leadership and the willingness to act even when it feels uncomfortable. I grew from every experience and continue to grow even today. Here are a few things to get you started:
Communicate with Compassion- Strong communication is key to any relationship, but in friendships it can be easy to make assumptions or underestimate the value of openness and honesty. To make the most of your friendship, approach communication as a method to heal rather than hurt and trust that there are good intentions coming from the other person. In difficult situations, take time to reflect and discuss with compassion and love. Be sure to communicate what works for you and what doesn’t with clarity around your boundaries and how you would like to be cared for. Be open to listen to the other persons needs and try not to shy away from the tough conversations.
Commit to One Another- Just like a romantic relationship, friendships require investment and commitment from both parties to ensure it is successful. Prioritize your friendship by identifying how and how often you will spend time together, make an effort to reach out consistently and define what a great friendship will look like now and in the future. Highlight behaviors in each other that are positive and surface those that may be counterproductive.
Create Moments that Anchor- All relationships are strengthened through positive experience and friendships are no different. Spend time with your friends doing new and fun things so that you have moments to learn about each other. Find opportunities to share your talents and support each other through difficult situations. Be present for important events and continue to support each other as new experiences arise.
Go Deep and Deeper Still- Being vulnerable can be scary and hard but challenge yourself to share your feelings and thoughts as things arise. Ask questions to encourage discussion and actively listen to create a safe space. Avoid judgement and instead seek to understand each other’s perspective. Give one another space to feel and experience without applying expectation.
Grow Together- An important part of any relationship you enter into or wish to maintain requires adjustment to change and growth. As humans, our interests, values and goals are constantly evolving and having a healthy support system as we navigate personal evolution is key to our success. Our girlfriendships can be a powerful relationship as we grow. Be sure to celebrate successes and change and grieve losses together. Take an interest in one another’s lives and share decisions when you are comfortable and offer insight or simply a listening ear. Try new things together and set goals to hold each other accountable. Explore how to share feedback or observations to support each other’s development.
Know When to Let Go-The dissolution of friendship does not follow the same roadmap as ending a romantic relationship: there is no formal boundary or ceremony to mark the end of a friendship as there is for ending a marriage or quitting a job. Friendships end for various reasons, and sometimes for no reason at all. In many cases, we instinctively know that we have outgrown a friendship. First identify the reasons why the friendship is no longer worth continuing then choose your course of action: 1. Let the friendship fade out 2. Take a break from the friendship or 3. Have a direct conversation.